Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
