Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
