OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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