so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
