I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
