I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
