i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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