this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
