Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
