He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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