3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
