and i looked up. we had an audience...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
