FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
