She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
