Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
