Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
