I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
