Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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