you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I intend to get homeless drunk
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
