When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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