I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
