I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
