I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
