I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
