I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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