the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I skipped work to stalk him.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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