and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's rum buckets o'clock
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
