i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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