I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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