I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
What changed your mind?
Being sober
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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