im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
