Your face is a jimmy john
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
