She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
