I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
