my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize