So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
