Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
