She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
