i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
