I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
