his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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