I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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