If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
