I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
