Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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