Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Houston, we have a blender
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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