It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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