my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
