If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize