Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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