I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
