I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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