you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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