i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
