She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
