I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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