new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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