...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
