the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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