Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
